Feb
18
Quarter-final predictions
Filed Under Humor |
Germany-Argentina
After a tepid first half that will be remembered only for Kahn’s brutal axe murder of Lehmann, Argentina will make some substitutions to bring Riquelme, Crespo, Saviola, Aimar, Tevez, and Messi on the pitch simultaneously. They’ll proceed to not give the Germans the ball for the rest of the game. A thrilling 1572 pass move will finally culminate in a tap-in goal from Crespo, winning the game 1-0 for Argentina. After the match Pekerman will announce that he perfected cold fusion during the half time break. The German quality newspaper Bild will call for fire-bombing California.
Italy-Ukraine
Italy will find a way to out-Italy their quintessentially Italian performance against Australia when they score the winning 1-0 goal on the last minute of extra time with a long range effort from Pirlo that will be deflected four times - thrice off Italian players’ arms and once off the referee’s arse. It will be the match’s only shot on goal, although Toni will miss a sitter when his powerful shot goes over the goal, out of the stadium, and hits the broad side of a barn. Italy will play with nine men for over an hour, as Totti will be sent off in the first minute for peeing on the fourth referee and Gattuso early in the second half for eating Shevchenko’s right eye.
England-Portugal
The inner conflict between Figo’s macho side and wussy side will culminate as his macho side head-butts his wussy side. His wussy side will glance at the referee to make sure he’s looking and then fall down, clutching its ankle. Throughout the match Rooney will be seen screaming his head off at the referee. Lip readers in the audience will report that he was quoting Stanislav Jerzy Lec. Portugal will gain an early lead through Maniche to win the game 1-0. Alas, they’ll be disqualified when it’s revealed at full time that the real Maniche has spent the tournament locked up in a basement somewhere in Russia and the new, improved Maniche on the pitch is a robot. Upon being sussed, the Maniche simulacrum will fulfill its mission by assassinating Sepp Blatter, thus ushering in an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity.
Brazil-France
Due to a contract between Nike and FIFA, the game will be seen on a ten second delay. Whenever Ronaldinho loses the ball, the picture will go green and the yellow text “Ronaldinho just did something awesome” will be displayed. In another televisual innovation, Zidane will be accompanied at all times by the word “HAS-BEEN” and a large blinking pink arrow pointed at his bald pate. France’s attack will be greatly hampered by Henry’s steadfast refusal to come out of an offside position for what he after the match calls “religious reasons”. Ronaldo will sprint once to score the game’s only goal, but tragedy will strike during his goal celebration as he does a little hop and the ground parts underneath him, causing him to plummet into the earth’s molten core.