Perhaps you are wondering if the title means Ajax striker Luis Suarez will be starring in the next Hollywood vampire flick, but no. He openly bit an opponent during a match between his club Ajax and PSV in the Dutch league.

You can see the incident clearly in the video, where after a heated exchange between their teammates, in which an Ajax player was shown the red card, Suarez leans in and takes a quick bite into midfielder Otman Bakkal’s shoulder. The latter was just surprised as everyone else from the incident, but does not get too worked up. He shows the referee the bite marks, but apparently the ref did not have time to deal with this incident. Or maybe he did not know how to – is biting a red card offense in football? Or even a foul? In any case, it’s weird.

The commentaries compare the incident to the famous Tyson-Holyfield boxing example, but in fact, this is not the first time a footballer has bitten an opponent. English striker Jermain Defoe did the same to Argentina midfielder Javier Mascherano back in 2006. One can’t imagine why this is the way some of these players chose to let their frustrations be shown, but I suppose it’s better than punching or elbowing someone in the face.

The incident in the Dutch game was pretty much the highlight of the match, which ended in a 0-0 draw.

One of the strangest news stories you’ll hear all week in any sport has to be the condition Bordeaux midfielder Yoan Gouffran has developed. The 24 year-old footballer has become allergic to grass, which has to be one of the funniest (not if you’re him of course) conditions you can develop as a footballer. After all, most football pitches, especially in France, use real grass.

His manager, Jean Tigana, admitted that such a thing is “embarrassing” for a footballer, but the good thing is that this certainly is not the end of his career. Gouffran will have to meet with an allergist in order to find the best way to treat his condition, though that will also depend on how severe the problem is. He also has luck that he developed this allergy after he became a successful footballer, as many kids who starts out will most likely quit if they get such bad fortune.

In the modern age, however, many such things are treatable. Some footballers wear special contact lenses for their eyes, other more popular accessories include Petr Cech’s black headgear, and Edgar David’s goggles. Didier Drogba was given permission to play at this summer’s World Cup finals with a plaster cast for his arm. So as long as there is some practical solution, which may even simply be stronger medication, Bordo fans don’t have to fear losing one of their more important players. One thing’s for sure though – Gouffran won’t be the kissing the ground in celebration again.

When things aren’t going your way, they aren’t going your way. Premiership club Portsmouth are rooted at the bottom of the table and find themselves in a financial crisis, which has gotten so bad that they are not only failing to pay their staff on time, but they have been forced to shut down their official website, and can’t even pay their electricity bills for the stadium’s lighting anymore. To complete the fiasco comes news that the Premiership manager caught visiting a brothel in Southampton two months ago was none other than Pompey manager Avram Grant.

With a wife and two children, this is sure to bring more negativity onto the club at a time they really don’t need it. The report is only coming out now due to the landmark case that lifted the media gag on John Terry’s extramarital affair, but ironically it is Terry that must be feeling a bit relieved now that he has someone else to take the shameful attention off him. As they say, misery loves company.

Grant admitted his visit to reporters, but the club have stood by their manager and said they didn’t want to comment and spoil the current “fighting spirit” at the club. Seems to me, though, that Pompey will need a bit more than zest to get out of their current situation. In fact, things seem so bad right now, one wouldn’t be surprised seeing the entire team hitting the brothels and forgetting their worries at the end.

The video above shows highlights of the goals, including some huge missed chances, but the own goals at the 1:22 and 3:22 marks are truly some of the best (or worst) ones you’ll see. We’re not talking about rebounds off a defender or last-gasp clearances that end up in the back of the net—we’re talking about clean, almost calculated strikes on goal that any striker would have been proud of.

Equally as amusing are the guilty players’ reactions. Constant Djakpa’s own goal (maybe the best/worst one) prompts him to fall horror-stricken to the ground, head in hands, as if wanting to wake up from a nightmare. Karim Haggui can only laugh when he scores his second (yes, second) and last goal of the game, and why not? By that point, if you can’t laugh at what’s going, you have to cry.

The pitch doesn’t look to be in that bad of a condition, but looking at most of the goals, you have to wonder whether there was an ice hockey ring beneath the grass. In any case, one can only wish for more amusing games like this. Unless you’re a Hannover fan.

“We didn’t underestimate them; they were just a lot better than we thought.”

“Don’t ask me what a typical Brazilian is because I don’t know what a typical Brazilian is. romatio is a typical Brazilian.”

“We dropped two points against Ipswich and I mean that sincerely.”

“The margin is very marginal.”

“In a year’s time, he’ll be a year older.”

“The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important.”

“I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football.”

“If you count your chickens before they hatch they won’t lay an egg.”